I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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