she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
