my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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