can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize