I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
