Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
