I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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