"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I would fuck him just for his dog
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
