I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
