My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
