There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
someone owes me an orgasm
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
