Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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