Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
