I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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