I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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