Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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