i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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