dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
