grandma shit on top of the toilet
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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