best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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