:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need to align my fucking chakras
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
