I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
