Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
