I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
