Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
