Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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