Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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