I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
