a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
