Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
