I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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