sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
