I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
