My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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