he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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