I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
