I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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