can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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