Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
