just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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