Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
