I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
