He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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