we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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