Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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