Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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