Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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