Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
