I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
