I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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