I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
