I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
